Posts from former Discussion pages 

Children idealizing the Non-Custodial Parent

NOTE: These posts are presented 'as is' as the poster wrote, with no editing.  The poster's ISP address is included as it was required to create the original post.

 

Post # 000005aa
Custodial Mother Battles a Ghost
From: Heather
Remote Name: 12.202.118.224

Comments
I have raised my 3 daughters (all teens now) for the past 13 years (6 with my new husband) while their father has visitation rights. During these visits, he has played the fun, part-time, no-rules father while I (and their step-father) have been the ones to teach them the dangers of drugs, sex, diseases, etc. balanced with plenty of unconditional love and attention. The burden of being a "parent" fell on my shoulders while their father (and his father as well) planted the seeds that it's okay to do what you want to do and suffer the consequences later, judged me with their cold, intellectual, unloving personalities by telling the girls that their mother was "overprotective" and "over-emotional" (in their book, if anyone shows any emotion, they're over-emotional), confided in his young daughters by telling them persoanl things that they were too young to understand, etc. It has been ingrained in them that their mother keeps them too close, they need to learn to be independent as soon as possible, and they can look forward to moving out when they turn 18. What teenager wouldn't find this thought exciting?  I always felt that if I raised my children with plenty of love and counter-balanced his liberal (lackidaisical) attitude towards life, then it would win out. But, it didn't. They idolize him because he's the "fun" dad. And, because of our rules, my 18 year old rebelled, blamed me for not letting her grow up (I was trying to protect her), got very belligerent, shows no respect for authority and to prove she's an adult has moved in with a man twice her age. She has ceased communication with me and is now close buddies with her father. I've been called names, I've been called "controlling" because we had rules, and I'm being blamed for every mistake she ever made. I never dreamed that I would be stabbed in the back by my own daughter and the pain is unbelievable. He's the cool dad and I feel that I have lost. I lost her and I lost the battle. He planted the seeds so well that no one knew what was going on until I looked back and realized that his comments really did make a difference in forming their personalities. If I confronted him, he would make it look like I was imagining things. I see now that he made her into someone just like himself...no conscience, selfish, manipulating and proud of being such a liberal simply to justify being irresponsible. I worry about his influence with my other two daughters when he has them. I have had talks with him about being a parent rather than a buddy to them and he'll pretend to try occasionally, but he rests the burden of total responsibility on me. I'm constantly having to de-program the kids after he's had them for a weekend. It's really hard to beat a fun, liberal dad, with no rules. I keep asking myself what I did wrong and I know in my heart that I really just couldn't beat his influence (money and psychological). It truly is like fighting a ghost. I feel powerless and no one except my husband sees what is going on. Proving this would be nearly futile. The damage is done with my first daughter, and now I feel that he is working on the other two daughters. Their attitudes are unbelievable when they come back from the short weekends visits with him, or when they have talked to the oldest sister that has moved out. How do you combat these types of influences and how do you deal with the pain of betrayal from the oldest daughter who has a father & boyfriend constantly poisoning her feelings regarding her own mother? Any ideas would be greatly appreciated.   (Last changed: February 26, 2006)

***

 

REPLIES:

Post # 000005ab
Custodial Mother Battles a Ghost
From: Heather
Remote Name: 12.202.118.224


Comments
I'm afraid that my lengthy post may have confused readers as to what the real problem is in my situation. My situation is a little different as I have been raising my three daughters for the past 13 years while my ex has visitation. I have NEVER said a derogatory remark about their father or played games as some ex's tend to do. I have encouraged them to have a relationship with their father. Bottom line: I worked hard for 18 years to be a loving, understanding, fair, yet sympathetic mother to my children. I have ALWAYS been there for them. My children grew up with negative comments made on my ex's side about my character. Seven months ago, my 18 year old got herself kicked out of the house because she refused to abide by our rules. She is now buddies with her father (who never really knew how to be a father) and is living with an older man who constantly feeds into her anger towards me. Every mistake she has made, she has blamed on me. The anger has turned into hate and it's at the point where there is so much damage done to our relationship that it will never be the same. When she was younger, we were always close. I feel that her anger is misdirected, the wall is up, and there is no hope of breaking it down. She has her dad & boyfriend and apparently doesn't need her mother anymore. Her slanderous remarks about me are unjustified and each time she does it, it's like a knife twisting further into my heart. I'll never understand how a daughter can do this to her own mother. I've never even heard of this happening. It would be different if I had been a bad mother or abusive, but I wasn't. My heart is broken and I'm battling the pain and at the same time putting up my own wall to protect myself from further pain. The pain of my loss of our relationship hurts the most. I can't win against the two men in her life and I'm getting so tired of trying to defend myself. Someone please help me to understand how this could happen. (Last changed: February 26, 2006 )

***

Post # 000005b0
Re: Custodial Mother Battles a Ghost
From: snuz2luz
Remote Name: 152.163.100.197

Comments
I don't have any explanation as to why this is happening, but I want you to know that you are not alone. My daughter did the same to me. I could've written your letter except my daughter doesn't have a boyfriend. Her dad doesn't even acknowledge me as her mother when asked or when there is something like an honors program where parents are listed, only his name appears. Just know that in the end, they will resent him for his actions. I've been researching this for 2 years now and it all says that. Meanwhile, we just have to have patience. Prayer is what keeps me going. (Last changed: February 26, 2006)

***

Post #  000005b8
Re: Custodial Mother Battles a Ghost
From: Heather
Remote Name: 12.202.118.224

Comments
Thanks very much for your encouraging reply. It does help to know we're not alone. I'm trying to be patient, but it's not easy. The pain keeps turning to anger and all I can think about is "how can she do this????" If I start crying again, I won't stop. I will try very hard to believe that eventually she will realize what has happened. Yet, I'm afraid that when that time comes, I won't feel the same love for her. It's almost the same emotions one has after they go through a divorce. I guess betrayal does that to you. I hope you're right. Thanks again.   (Last changed: February 26, 2006)

 

 

 

END OF THIS TOPIC.

 

 

 

RETURN TO CATEGORY INDEX

 

RETURN TO HOME PAGE OF 
PARENTAL ALIENATION WEB SITE

 

Disclaimer: The content of old discussion pages belongs to the original poster.  PsyCare Inc. and Dr. Douglas Darnall, Ph.D. assumes no responsibility for the views expressed in any posting.