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What Can be done about Parent Bashing?

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Post #   000006d6
Parent Bashing
From: Sierra
Remote Name: 12.210.174.186

Comments
What does one do about "parent bashing?" when your ex husband has the kids for the weekend? I have a daughter who left home 6 months ago and blames us (me & her step-father) for every mistake she's made and who's gotten closer to her dad in the process. She bashes us with her two younger sisters every weekend he gets them. He claims to be putting a stop to it when it happens, yet we also know that he spends many hours on the phone with her sympathizing with her. We can tell when she's gotten to her sisters by a change in their behavior. We're tired of un-doing the damage every time he has them and when she's with them. So far, we've banned her from our home and from going out with her sisters and he teasingly tells her stop once she gets started, but all in all, she still gets her two cents worth in. Our blood pressure is up and we are getting so tired of battling this situation. I feel like her dad is playing both sides to appease everybody, which in turn increases parental alienation. I've faced the fact that I've lost her and am now trying not to lose my other two daughters. I really wish that I could have the "whatever" attitude, but it's not in me. This is in our minds 24/7 and we can't get away from it. It makes me sick. None of this could be proven, it's just what we "know." And it hurts.  (Last changed: February 26, 2006)

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REPLIES:

Post # 000006d7
Re: Parent Bashing
From: mtndad
Remote Name: 66.44.197.106

Comments
Sounds like your ex-husband and my ex-wife are twins, separated at birth. I fully understand the part about it being nothing you can prove, but you know it's happening just the same. I've been living with that for years. And I know it doesn't go away. Two of my three children, all adults now, haven't spoken to me for two years, and there have been ongoing attempts to alienate my third child. There are even two grandkids thrown into the mix. I won't ever tell anyone to throw in the towel. Fight for all you're worth. After all, we're talking about your children. I haven't given up on my own children, but some days I get so tired of it that I have to step back and take a couple of deep breaths. I can't fight my ex-wife's game on her terms. She's still very much involved in all of it. I refuse to compromise my values and principals, and I refuse to reduce myself to the mud-slinging and lies that have become a way of life for her. Do some research into PA, parental alienation, as well as PAS. Being informed isn't going to cure your problems, but it might give you some perspective. You're not alone in your hurt. In my prayers! (Last changed: February 26, 2006 )

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Post #  000006d8
Re: Parent Bashing
From: Sierra
Remote Name: 12.210.174.186

Comments
I appreciate what you said and you were very encouraging. I believe that there's something in every parent that doesn't want to totally give up, but I get so tired of reminding my other two, "don't forget, whatever your dad or your sister says, please nip it in the bud with them before they get too far" or "remember how much we love you and why we do some of the things we do." We sound like broken records and it's exhausting. It's that constant pressure to keep reminding them so that we don't lose them, too. I keep asking myself that if they really knew how much we loved them, then why should we even have to keep defending ourselves? My kids are teenagers and it amazes me how easily they can be influenced, start looking at us differently, and very seldom stand up for us. Their dad has no rules and that in itself makes us look like the over-bearing parents. Ultimately, I know I won't give up, but I can certainly understand why some parents just let go and say "go ahead, do what you want, I'm tired of fighting it." I blame their dad because he won't be a father and my daughter for letting the alienation even happen. She is old enough to know better and it astounds me that she puts her pride before wanting her mother back. I'm not just hurt, I'm angry, and I'm tired of being patient for her to come to her senses. It could be years. I will read more on PAS, etc. to help deal with these feelings. Thanks again, Sierra 
(Last changed: February 26, 2006)

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Post #  000006da
Re: Parent Bashing
From: mtndad
Remote Name: 66.44.197.106

Comments
Sierra, the teen years are a struggle under the best of circumstances. In the eyes of teenagers, I believe parents are considered an inconvenience, and the love you speak of holds little value for them. Our society has condoned permissiveness for too long, and when when an overly permissive parent is thrown into the equation, it compounds things to the detriment of our young people. I don't know if I have any substantive advice, but I can offer examples of what has happened in my situation at the hands of a mother that chose to place her own "victory" over the welfare of her children. I have two sons, 27 and 29. Neither can hold a job for more than a few months. One is single, and can't seem to have a love-relationship that lasts more than six months. My daughter is 33, and she's married to an athiest who also has not held a job for longer than a few months for the nine years of their marriage. I have had virtually no input into the lives of my children for 12 years. My grandchildren think that their grandmother's current live-in boyfriend is their grandfather. My ex-wife is an only child. I have five siblings and their spouses, eleven nephews and nieces, and my parents. My children do not participate in family functions, at their choosing. I wanted to blame my children for a long time. It was difficult to accept that they've been manipulated. I forgive them. I love them. But, should they ever choose to make themselves a part of my life again, rebuilding trust would take a long, long time. Had I been aware that alienation was taking place from early on, perhaps I'd have taken steps that might have made things turn out differently. I took many things in stride that I never should have. None of us are born with a gene that enable us to hate a parent. That has to be taught, and sometimes it's so subtle that we don't realize it's happening. Educate yourself about alienation, and as tired as it makes you, don't give up on your children. If at all possible, talk with your children's father. Try to reach an agreement to put the welfare of the kids before everything else. I'm sure my ex-wife believes she's really scored a victory over me, but it has been at the expense of our children, and she refuses to see it. Be strong!   (Last changed: February 26, 2006)

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Post #  000006db
Re: Parent Bashing
From: Jon & Krystal's dad. huckster@ccwebster.net
Remote Name: 159.121.131.100

Comments
All I can say is that is so true, sounds so much like my situation. All Kim wants is to keep me out of their lives. And its so sad, my for too many years I allowed to her build barrier after barrier between us. And she can get away with it in Court. I'll add something later after I finish typing it. Sierra, I feel for you. Not ALL men are like your Ex, and Not all women are like my ex. Please feel free to email if you like, I also IM chat in yahoo.  (Last changed: February 26, 2006)

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Post #  000006dd
Re: Parent Bashing
From: Sierra
Remote Name: 12.210.174.186

Comments
You are right, not all men are like my EX and not all women are like your EX. I never believed in talking bad about their father, but never dreamed that such subtle ways of talking to our kids could have made such a difference, but it did with at least one so far. Those barriers get built right under our noses. I feel for you, too. Thanks sincerely for the support.  (Last changed: February 26, 2006)

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Post # 000006de
Re: Parent Bashing
From: Sierra
Remote Name: 12.210.174.186

Comments
I agree, ultimately, what the ex-spouse has done (or is doing) is at the children's expense. I've heard that some day, my oldest daughter will realize what happened, but when I read your post, it's obvious that it could really be a LONG time before she does. I figured that when she gets a little older or when she has a child of her own, then she'll understand. You haven't given up and I know that my heart won't give up on her either. I know that's what "real love" for your child is all about. Unfortunately, I'll have to wait until she's ready as she pushes me away when I try to do anything for her. The ones who really love their children would never think of "using" them or turning them against the other parent without sufficient reason (such as sexual abuse, etc). From the posts I've read, there are a lot of really great parents out there who love their children too much to play this game. I feel for you and your situation as well as for every other parent who has to go through this. Encouragement definitely helps.  (Last changed: February 26, 2006)

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Post #  000006df
Re: Parent Bashing
From: mtndad
Remote Name: 66.44.192.186

Comments
Sierra, from my own research, it seems that alienated children are drawn to the less mentally healthy parent. Healthy, loving parents place the well being of their children before all else. While I don't understand the mindset that can cause a parent to abuse a child through alienation, it a sad scenario that occurs far too frequently. I wish I could give you a magic wand to make it all go away. Patience and perserverance seem to be the only tools at our disposal sometimes. Try not to think in terms of it taking a LONG time for reconcillation. I try to understand that it's a process of healing. It will take as long as it takes. Be strong, and don't neglect yourself. I know it can gnaw at you constantly, but you can't allow it to destroy your own self-worth. Learn to step back from it whenever possible, or it will affect not only your own mental well being, but your physical health as well. In my prayers! (Last changed: February 26, 2006) 

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Post #  000006e2
Re: Parent Bashing
From: Jon & Krystal's Dad, 
Remote Name: 159.121.131.100

Comments
My ex even told the judge in court, that SHE feels the kids don't even want to vist with me & I even agreed to neutral 3rd party supervised visits, just in order to see my son & daughter. I have never gotten a Christmas card, BD card, or even a Thank You note from my kids, and they are supposedly being raised with "good principles" Its just so hard. My ex has a daughter by another man, and she has never met her daddy. I feel so sorry for the kids. Email me anytime and I also chat on yahoo messenger. Thank You all, steve  (Last changed: February 26, 2006) 

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Post # 000006ed
Re: Parent Bashing
From: Sierra
Remote Name: 12.210.174.186

Comments
No, but I will definitely look into it. I feel like a sponge trying to absorb anything that helps to make sense of how this could happen. Thanks!   (Last changed: February 26, 2006) 

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Post #  00000773
Re: Parent Bashing
From: Hopeful Mom
Remote Name: 212.179.135.94

Comments
Every time I try to reach out with love and compassion to my oldest son (age 25), he uses that as an opportunity to abuse and hurt me, and "punish" me again. So I am finally reaching another level of awareness regarding "learning to take care of myself", and I have decided to stop calling him, for now. (My youngest son does not respond or talk to me at all, so I can still leave him messages.) I even wrote him a note saying that I will not tolerate behavior which is disrespectful and hurts me. So for today, I am "detaching" from him - it is very sad, but it hurts less than getting verbal daggers from him. G-d willing, some day we will have a relationship with mutual respect and love.   (Last changed: February 26, 2006) 

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Post #   (Last changed: February 26, 2006) 

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