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Step-mothers ask What is in the 'Best Interest of the Child' for  Alienated Children

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Original
Post # 000000a1
Best Interest of the Child???
From: frustrated step mom
Date: 5/14/01
Time: 8:52:33 PM
Remote Name: 216.191.63.42

Comments
How do you decide whether to fight for custody or go with the status quo - and which is in the best interest of the child?

My husband is the non-custodial father of an 11 yr old boy. The background story is too long to go into in this. We are currently in the middle of a custody battle, got a court order for an evaluation, which has been ongoing for over a year. We know the mother has psychological problems due to her extremely abusive child hood which is carrying over into her parenting, she has tried everything possible to alienate her son from my husband but amazingly the son still wants to see his Dad. Our concern is that if we go for a custody change, and get it, the emotional trauma to the son would be devastating as he has lived with the mom all his life (my husband and the mother were never married or living together after their son was born) He is totally controlled by his mother, and we worry that the quilt he would feel from having to abandon her would destroy him. However if we leave him in her custody, the parental alienation will most likely continue, possibly escalate as soon as the courts are out of the picture, and the psychological damage to the son could be great. We are in a no-win situation and totally frustrated, not knowing which would be in my step -son's best interest in the long term.   (Last changed: February 26, 2006)

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REPLIES:

Post # Post # 000000a2
Re: Best Interest of the Child???
From: Linda
Date: 5/16/01
Time: 10:14:31 PM
Remote Name: 207.172.11.147

Comments
I think that I'm tired of seeing overly concerned "step parents" writing.. why can't your husband write? I'm now going on my second concerned step-mother..have gone to court, counseling, etc. with the first wife and now have to go through it all over again because of the second..maybe you should just keep your nose out of the entire situation and have your husband grow some balls and find out some information for himself..
I believe that most of the parental alienation is done from the overly concerned step parent and not enough is done by the concerned non-custodial mom or dad..   (Last changed: February 26, 2006)

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Post # 000000a5
Re: Best Interest of the Child???
From: step mom who cares...
Date: 5/19/01
Time: 10:24:54 AM
Remote Name: 165.247.49.11

Comments
How rude and typical of you.... no one who is happy in their lives chastises people who are concerned... step parents are constantly asked to be a positive force in a child's life with a shut mouth... the sad truth for you is that the step mothers see right through people like you and we hear what the kids really think all along... don't be fooled. YOur actions will catch up to you in the long run... think about the relationships you will have in the future with your children. Ask adult children of alienating parents what they think of them now... and the really sad part for you is... you will still be bitter unless you deal with your anger and other wierd emotional problems NOW in therapy... get there quick.   (Last changed: February 26, 2006)

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Post # 000000b2
Re: Best Interest of the Child???
From: partner of non-custodial parent
Date: 6/11/01
Time: 9:30:07 PM
Remote Name: 61.9.165.135

Comments
Oh I couldn't agree with you more! The statement "have your husband grow some balls and find out some information for himself.." comes across as a severely negative view on fathers. If anyone is a reason for suspecting PAS, this woman certainly is.  (Last changed: February 26, 2006)

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Post # 000000b5
Re: Best Interest of the Child???
From: SN
Date: 6/14/01
Time: 1:16:56 PM
Remote Name: 65.4.36.16

Comments
I agree with a lot of what you say--my problems with my ex and son started only when ex's new wife entered the picture. Talk about someone out to prove she's the "Mother of all Mothers!" I know that she was responsible because, at wit's end, I finally contacted HER ex for a "reality check"...guess what, she's doing the same things to alienate me from my son that she has done with her own. What an eye opener. At least now I know more of what to expect.  

 (Last changed: February 26, 2006)

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Post # 000000b9
Re: Best Interest of the Child???
From: Linda
Date: 6/15/01
Time: 11:42:05 PM
Remote Name: 66.44.58.228

Comments
The two of you have proved my point...your husbands have NO balls....I am also a step-mom who would NEVER...and I mean NEVER over step my bounds as anything other than someone who is loving and supportive of my step-daughter..but I also know where the boundry line is and have NEVER stepped over it...I can tell who wears the pants in your families...
Linda   (Last changed: February 26, 2006)

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Post # 000000bf
Re: Best Interest of the Child???
From: lacinda
Date: 6/29/01
Time: 3:32:58 AM
Remote Name: 216.26.16.155

Comments
We are in a similar situation. The CP is abusive to her children (documented over and over) but with mental abuse it is almost impossible to legally to change custody. The children who are victims of PA tend to be enmeshed with the CP and will be psychologically damaged from a change in custody. Of course, they are being damaged anyway. This is information that we get from experts in PAS. I have read the other posts and tend to see some truth on both sides. Being a stepparent is my worst nightmare, I can do nothing about the situation and yet it affects me. There are definitely boundaries that the stepparent needs to be aware of. Marriage to someone with children is stressful even in the best of situations. My counselor and my friends have ALL told me they would never have married a man with the baggage my husband has. My husband's lawyer called me a saint. I said, not a saint just really ignorant!
(Last changed: February 26, 2006)

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Post # 000000d4
Re: Best Interest of the Child???
From: Holly
Date: 8/1/01
Time: 10:47:10 PM
Remote Name: 172.140.21.149

Comments
Since you obviously have a deeper knowledge of what it's like to walk in our shoes, maybe you could give us step by step instructions on how to ignore our wedding vows or how not to be compasionate, understanding or want to help the people we love and are in pain (and CAN write).  (Last changed: February 26, 2006)

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Post # 000000e5
Re: Best Interest of the Child???
From: Erin
Date: 8/21/01
Time: 12:38:41 PM
Remote Name: 206.15.149.127

Comments
I think the reason you see step-parents often on these boards is _not_ that they are overbearing or too involved, or that their spouses "need to grow balls" - in my opinion, there aren't many places where we can be heard, where we can express feelings and ask for advice. Step-parents can feel even more helpless than NCPs, since courts, psychs, lawyers, and everyone else assumes they don't exist outside of allegations. Step-parents wash kids clothes, tell bedtime stories, cook dinner, listen about school, hear crying...and are ignored or sh*t upon by everyone around them. If this is a place they can come to express anything, I don't think we ought to have the right to blast them for asking for advice, do you?  (Last changed: February 26, 2006 )

 

 

 

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