Posts from former Discussion pages 

Parent's Views about "undue influence of a minor" child

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Post #  000004d0
Need Help re- Undue Influence of a Minor
From: MB-Chicago
Remote Name: 172.129.173.243

Comments
I'm looking for help in the form of an objective third party who could listen in on a few phone conversations to help me verify what is happening to my 5 year old. I cannot afford to pay an attorney. I need someone credible, such as clergy, or a mental health professional. I'm concerned with the ethics of doing this, so I'm open to any suggestions. I'm living in the Midwest, and speaking to a child on the east coast. MB Chicago high_dimensional-dialog2004@mailblocks.com   (Last changed: February 26, 2006)

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REPLIES:

Post # 000004d7
Re: Need Help re- Undue Influence of a Minor
From: ValGal
Remote Name: 67.171.149.190

Comments
You know, it is so perplexing trying to figure out what we can do to combat PAS without creating even more conflict. I'm reading another excellent book, "Divorce Poison" (available at Amazon, of course). All along I've not said hardly anything to my son about the BS my ex/his spouse subjects my son to, because I felt to do so would create even more turmoil in my son. Well, in this new book, he's saying that, under the right circumstances and using the right words (and of course, most importantly, with the best intentions!), it is entirely appropriate to attempt to set the record straight with our children when they are being brainwashed, and in fact, we may be hurting them even more by not doing so! Yowza. So a couple of days ago I sat down and composed a Childrens Bill of Rights (o.k. so I got most of it off the 'Net!) that tells children what their rights are when they are in a family where the parents are divorced. Example, I don't want to hear a parent say bad things about the other parents. And so forth. I explained to my son and stepkids the reasoning behind these rights, how such things can make the children feel like they need to take sides, and how that can be hurtful. I used some examples, too, for the younger one (not REAL examples from our family, but analagous) to make it clearer. And I told them how they can tell the parent who is doing the brainwashing that they don't like it when mom/dad is talked about that way, etc. Also explained that kids have responsibilities as well as rights, such as, no snooping, tattling, those things also put the child in the middle. Also, sometimes the child will feel much more receptive/less defensive to hear these things from someone other than the targeted parent. So for your 5-year old, I would attempt to enlist the help of someone who can talk to the child in this way (a grandparent, maybe?), and who can make the discussion conversational and not preachy-sounding. The beauty of all this is that when the child does then hear a parent bad-mouthed (or recognizes other behavior that was spoken of), the child will recognize it for what it is. One can even hope that the child will speak up about it and the brainwashing parent may start to knock off some of the funny business.   (Last changed: February 26, 2006 )

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Post # 000004d8
Re: Need Help re- Undue Influence of a Minor
From: ValGal
Remote Name: 67.171.149.190

Comments
Here's the little speech I gave to my son and stepkids... feel free to try it with your child, modify as necessary.   When parents get divorced they go to a class. In this class, they learn about ways they can help their children adjust to the divorce. We learned about things like how our children might be feeling about the divorce. We learned that that are ways to make it easier for them. We learned that doing things like saying bad things about the other parent can make them feel bad. We have a list of things here that tell about the rights that children affected by a divorce have. Parents need to respect these rights. Here’s an example. What if I were to say to you, “the reason we have a junky car is because your dad took the good car. All he cares about is himself!” That would make you feel bad. It would make you feel like you had to take sides. So you would either have to believe me, which would make you think bad about your dad, or you would not believe me, making you think I was dishonest. The best solution is for parents to keep kids out of their arguments so kids don’t have to worry about stuff like this. Kids need to stay away from grown-ups problems. Kids’ jobs is to do good in school, and to have fun! You should learn about your rights. You need to speak up if someone does something that is not respectful of your rights. You can tell if someone is saying something bad about your other parent because it will sound unfriendly. When that happens, you can say things like, “I don’t like it when you talk about my dad like that,” or “if you’re angry with dad, talk to him about it, I’m just a kid” or something like that. A Child’s Bill of Rights 1. Parents should recognize that I love and need both parents. 2. I don’t want to be a messenger. Mom and Dad should talk to each other directly when making arrangements. 3. I don’t want my parent to say bad things about my other parent. 4. I don’t want to be grilled about what is going on at my other parent's home. 5. I don’t want to be asked to take sides. 6. I don’t want to become involved with parents financial decisions or legal matters. 7. I don’t want to be made to feel like I’m being disloyal to one parent if I enjoy being with my other parent. 8. If a parent has something angry to say to my other parent, it shouldn’t be said around me. 9. My parent shouldn’t purposely forget important clothing or gear when I am going to my other parent's place. (Last changed: February 26, 2006)

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Post #  000004fb
Re: Need Help re- Undue Influence of a Minor
From: MadMomInCanada
Remote Name: 156.34.35.3

Comments
Hi valgal. Great idea...great advice. I too have read Divorce Poison and have been successful in using some of the techniques that Dr. Warshak has spoken of. It works.  (Last changed: February 26, 2006)

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Post #  00000555
Re: Need Help re- Undue Influence of a Minor
From: sally19
Remote Name: 67.140.148.157

Comments
I have seen the Childrens' Bill of Rights, but it sounds like I might like to see yours, if you could email it to me or post it. I think you had a good idea. My grand-daughter knows what is going on to an extent, but she is afraid to "make her mom mad". I think she would benefit from a talk like you were proposing, if anyone gets a chance now to talk to her. They are blocking ALL contact now.   (Last changed: February 26, 2006)

 

 

 

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